Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Talking about fragments; I’ve lived through, and got out of, many phases so I’m sure I don’t have an addiction gene – for the simple reason that I’ve obviously moved on every time to the next one. But, is writing and art addictive in the same way as drugs and alcohol? I watched, Am I Normal? last night, and had to pause when someone pushed forward the idea ‘Just stop’. At first he sounded a bit belligerent and unsympathetic but by the end he’d caught my attention by saying that most people move out of one phase and into the next...and that a lot of addicts stop and move on, eventually too. This is true. And, we are definitely a nanny state.

If being creative is addictive then I’m very happy to be that addict. I’ve had many fun phases where I drank a lot but haven’t become an alcoholic (and we’re talking about waking up in hedges here). There was also the sex; and that was a bit of an addiction I suppose because I’d jump on any old bones if I felt like it – Carrie was always dragging me away from unsuitable men. I get bored if I’m not winning (which is why I could never be a gambler) and got fussier as the years rolled on - very rarely found strange men in my bed. That boredom led me back to education and a more creative life. Now, if anything is addictive, it’s education. I only had a few O’Levels in mind to get a better job, that’s all; I ended up with a degree in drama and it takes all my willpower to stop myself from continuing – I know that I hate teaching so there is absolutely no point in going further. (forgot the TESOL course I did in Barcelona)

All my life I have been searching for something outside of myself, always looking into the future; when I was seventeen I was desperate to find the man who would make me a full-blown woman – it took over a year! I was the oldest virgin I knew. The deflowering and short relationship was so unsatisfactory that I waited another year before attempting it again, which wasn’t any better. Maybe that gives some insight into the way my mind works where relationships and love are concerned. There’s a poem, here on the blog that I wrote for a competition about love; it is not completely biographical, though the conversation about killing the wife-beater is true, but I wasn’t the wife.

I was talking to someone in work tonight and she asked me how often I used my laptop, ‘Every fifteen minutes!’ I said. ‘If I could hang it around my neck like an usherette’s ice-cream tray, I would.’ She’s a normal person, she doesn’t understand; she thought I was kidding. I am using Opera (don’t ask me what it is, it’s an internet thingy) and I can have all my special pages open at the top of the page…and just click click click, back and forth all day, night etc. it’s bloody marvellous! So you are all at the hover of my mouse (when I do that a picture of the page flashes up) and if that isn’t the sign of an addict then I don’t know what is. I know I’m getting worse but I don’t care; I’ve even begun to talk about writing to people who don’t do that kind of thing and can see the pity in their eyes – they think I’m madder than I actually am.


Anne Brooke said...

Addiction is a sign of genius, don't you know. We're all mad here, m'dear!!



ireneintheworld said...

now where did i put that hat? x

Anonymous said...

I love the idea of hanging your laptop round your neck - totally emphathise, and I 've started to call mine my magic box,because it's so addictive and I feel transported to another place when I'm writing ... it certainly feels like a drug.

Sarah (SB)

ireneintheworld said...

gain without the pain sarah. ooooh, can i say that? yes, there will be no pain in this relationship. x